Should You Stay With Someone Who's "Figuring Things Out"?
Vernon Kay and Tess Daly just announced their separation after 23 years of marriage.
Should You Stay With Someone Who's "Figuring Things Out"?
Vernon Kay and Tess Daly just announced their separation after 23 years of marriage. Twenty-three years. That's longer than some of us have been breathing, and yet here we are, watching another "power couple" quietly implode. A week before the announcement, Vernon spoke about their "changing relationship."
I know that phrase. We all do. It's the diplomatic way of saying: "I love you, but I'm not sure I'm *in* love with you anymore, and I need time to figure out what the hell that means."
Here's the thing about people who are "figuring things out" — they usually already know. They're just hoping time will make the decision for them. I learned this the hard way in Melbourne, watching my flatmate Emma spend eight months "taking space" from her boyfriend while he waited in relationship purgatory. Spoiler: she knew from month one she was done. The other seven months were just elaborate procrastination.
But what about when you're the one doing the waiting? When someone you love looks at you with those apologetic eyes and asks for time? When they promise they're not seeing anyone else, they just need to "work on themselves"?
I used to think patience was romantic. That real love meant sitting by while someone sorted through their emotional baggage like they're Marie Kondo-ing their feelings. But patience and self-abandonment aren't the same thing. There's a difference between supporting someone through genuine growth and becoming a placeholder while they decide if you spark joy.
The Greenland shark doesn't reach sexual maturity until it's 150 years old. It lives for 400 years in Arctic waters that would kill most creatures. Sometimes I think about this when clients tell me they're waiting for their partner to be "ready." Are you a Greenland shark, or are you freezing to death in waters that were never meant for you?
Vernon and Tess had 23 years to figure it out. If your person needs more than a few months to decide whether they want to build a life with you, they've already decided. They're just too kind — or too scared — to say it.
The uncomfortable truth? Sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes timing is everything. And sometimes the bravest thing you can do is stop waiting for someone to choose you and start choosing yourself instead.
*Elena Vella writes about love, loss and the space between wanting and having. Follow PUCKA for more relationship truths that hurt.*
