Bad Timing: Why Smart Women Choose Disaster

My nannu used to say the best poker players know when to fold. I never learned this lesson. Instead, I perfected the art of doubling down on terrible timing, particularly when it came to men.

Last week, a client sat in my office describing her pattern: she only falls for men who are about to leave the country, end relationships, or implode spectacularly. "It's like I have radar for emotional unavailability," she said. I nodded, taking notes, pretending I hadn't written the manual.

There's something intoxicating about bad timing. The man who's perfect except he's moving to London next month. The colleague who finally notices you the week before his wedding. The entrepreneur whose business is collapsing but whose passion burns brightest in the ruins. We tell ourselves it's romance. Really, it's safety.

Bad timing protects us from the terrifying possibility of something working out. When a relationship is doomed by circumstances, we never have to find out if we're worthy of being chosen when the stakes are real. The end is written before the story begins, so we can love without the risk of being truly seen.

I once knew a woman who only dated men in their final months in Malta. Ferry tickets were her favorite contraception. She collected beautiful endings instead of building sustainable middles. When I asked why, she said, "Goodbyes are honest. It's the staying that people lie about."

The psychology is elegant in its cruelty. We choose men we can't have because having them would mean being vulnerable to the daily choice of being kept. Better to love someone leaving than discover we're the kind of person someone might eventually want to leave.

My nanna used to make the most elaborate Sunday dinners for family who lived in Australia. She'd spend hours preparing food for empty chairs, setting places for people who couldn't come. I understand now that this wasn't delusion. It was practice for love without reciprocation — the safest kind.

The pattern breaks when you realize that good timing isn't about circumstances aligning. It's about being ready to be available to someone who's available to you. This requires the terrifying act of showing up to your own life instead of rehearsing for the one that might happen if only things were different.

Bad timing isn't romantic. It's just another way to stay hidden while calling it love.